A Laughter Loaf Twisted Slice Interview

Fish Fraternization Frenzy

The environment has long been a hot spot in public opinion. Now get the inside skinny on the history making lawsuit, Iowa vs. Illinois as we interview Phineas Phelps, of the Iowa Department of Natural Resources (IDNR).

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LL: Mr. Phelps, would you please give us some details on how the State of Iowa decided to sue the State of Illinois to keep the fish on their side of the river segregated from the ones on the Iowa side?

PHELPS: Before I get to the specifics, let me give you a little background. All of the states up stream from us have polluted our wonderful Mississippi to the point that all of us had to make laws forbidding anyone from eating the fish they caught out of it. What a dadburned shame. Not only were the fish contaminated, but swimming was forbidden too. The muck was costing us millions in tourist and recreation trade.

LL: Isn’t Iowa just as guilty as the others?

PHELPS: How can you live in this blessed country and ask a question like that. You think we’re one of those industrial states? What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Iowa?

LL: Corn?

PHELPS: Right…corn! Now, what’s the normal adjunct for lots of huge corn raisers?

LL: Beats me.

PHELPS: Hogs, boy. Hogs. We’re farmers. We make a clean living from the clean earth that God gave us and we intend to keep it that way.

LL: But how can you make a distinction between your fish and Illinois’s fish?

PHELPS: Ours are healthy and clean because, several years back, we took and built huge ponds and went to hatching our own fish – jack salmon, rock bass, channel and bullhead cats, and lots of other native fish that were polluted and on their way to extinction by those greedy industrialists. We raised ‘em in pure water, fresh, clean, and pure.

LL: I see. But don’t clean fish in dirty water soon become dirty too?

PHELPS: Fortunately, the EPA and some other agencies have been crackin’ down on the factories and, over the last few years, the water has cleaned up really well. We fed ‘em and raised ‘em up to a size where they could make it on their own and then trucked ‘em to the Mississippi and dumped ‘em in. Still do that with several million every year.

LL: What makes you so sure they’re not all in New Orleans by now?

PHELPS: We keep feedin’ ‘em. They have home territories just like many other creatures. Once our fish got a foothold, we were able to lift our ban on eating the fish. Brought in fishermen by the thousands. Illinois couldn’t do that. The fish on their side were just as trashed and foul-tasting as ever ‘cause it was passed on to them by the older ones that spawned them. Who knows what poison lurks inside the hearts of their fish?

LL: What do you expect to gain by this suit?

PHELPS: We are seeking a court order to make Illinois build a wall down the center of the channel to keep the fish from interbreeding. We’ve got a lot of time and money tied up in this thing and we’re just starting to get a return on our investment.

LL: But wouldn’t a center wall destroy the scenic beauty of the river?

PHELPS: Not necessarily. If they put a deep trough on the top, they could fill it with topsoil and plant trees and wildflowers in it. That would disguise the wall, provide a beautiful view, and make new habitat for many of the river birds that are losing out because of lost nesting places. That’s why the Audubon Society is backing us to the hilt.

LL: But how do you know whose fish is whose?

PHELPS: First, there’s the taste. Ever try eatin’ an Illinois Mississippi catch? Putrid. Downright putrid. All of our clean fish will be tagged before we dump ‘em in. At the base of the dorsal they’ll bear a metal band which will read “Approved for human consumption. IDNR.” That’s why we are also asking that, once the wall is in place, Illinois be required to pay a fine for every one of their polluted rejects we catch on our side of the wall. Of course the banding will cost us more, so we have also petitioned the court to require Illinois to reimburse us for that extra cost.

LL: All of this would certainly have a staggering price tag. It would probably bankrupt Illinois.

PHELPS: I doubt it, but who cares? Illinois gets billions in revenue from all those factories. This thing may even expand. They still have a little bit of Lake Michigan frontage, but Michigan is getting scared about what they might do to that, especially when you consider that Gary, Indiana is right up there too. Look at Illinois history. Factories, racketeers, mobsters, crime, all rotten! Give it back to the Indians. They did a better job with it.

LL: How about cooperating and helping Illinois develop hatcheries and growing ponds like yours and then provide half of the new stock? Seems to me that everybody wins with that scenario.

PHELPS: Balderdash. That would siphon off a lot of the business and people would go to Illinois to spend their money. Our profits would suffer. Besides, who would watch them to make sure they didn’t get some modern day Capone involved and then try to run us out of the market?