Ham On Wry

Can't Help It

2006-09-05T08:14:00.000-04:00

“I’m tired of beef and pork and lamb.”
“Do you,” he asked, “Have frog legs, ma’am.”
"No sir," she said. "I'm old and gray
Arthritis makes me walk this way."

Discerning Taste

2006-08-30T09:02:00.000-04:00

“Waiter, what is this stuff you brought to me?
I can’t tell if it’s coffee or tea.

Whatever it is, it’s foul and unclean
It tastes so ghastly—like kerosene.”

“It has to be tea,” came back the whine,
'Cause our coffee tastes like turpentine."

2006-08-14T21:53:00.000-04:00

This is a parody that I did for Sharon Wren a few years back. She lives in the Mississippi.

Ode To The Mississippi During the Spring of 2001
Paul D. Molyneux
(Tune: Old Man River)

VERSE 1
I bought me a place by the Mississippi.
A place to grow old with my lovely wife,
We built a dock for a boat and fishing
But, with this spring, everything is strife.
(refrain)

VERSE 2:
Summer is great with its rosy sunsets.
Wildlife abounds and the scenery’s great.
Winter and fall pose no major problems,
But, springtime’s what I’ve learned to hate.
(refrain)

REFRAIN:
Swollen river. You swollen river.
My house is floatin’, so who needs boatin’?
You’re wreaking havoc;
I’m now completely unstrung.

Quickening currents and rising water
Have crossed my back yard and filled my basement.
Please have some mercy,
I see striped bass in my car!

We struggle hard; pile sand bags high
And while we work whole towns float by.
I give up! Turn off the rain!
My spirit’s dying and my body’s in pain.

I’m so weary of getting nowhere.
The city’s filthy and you just don’t care!
I’ll move to Texas and you keep rolling along!

Current speech trend

2006-08-10T23:27:00.000-04:00

Is it just me, just my area, or more widespread that current speech has added yet another regression?

What I'm referring to is the habit of our young people to promounce multi-syllable words with the consonants on the wrong syllable. e.g. :

Kitt/en instead of Kit/ten

Sat/in instead of Sa/tin

and many many others.

Is syllabification no longer being taught? Do we just not care? Whatcha think?

Paul

2006-07-24T15:55:00.000-04:00

Brain Taxed

“Hey, Terry! Friend, you look so tired—
Exhausted, pale, almost expired.
What’s that you did or did not do
That left you looking so askew?”

“You know, it’s been a rough two weeks—
Can’t sleep—just toss in fits and piques.
The night sets my poor head athrob—
I always dream I’ve got a job.”

Nouveau Riche

2006-07-16T21:36:00.000-04:00

Nouveau Riche

I'm taking Elizabeth over the sea
To sit while her portrait's painted.
I've looked at the work of the U.S. debris
And all of their work seems tainted.

Lizzie's so beautiful. Don't you agree?
I'll avoid some artistic disasters.
We'll travel to Italy where we can hire
One of those grand "old masters."

Supply and Demand

2006-07-06T20:47:00.000-04:00

Supply and Demand

Paul Molyneux

If the bills are caught up and you don’t need new clothes,
The stores fill with clearance and “outs” that will close.
But when washers break down or the fridge simply dies,
The clearance aisle’s nothing but cobwebs and flies.

Oh yes, when you’re traveling for business or sport
You can count on lost luggage at “Ye Olde Airport.”
A Walmart or K-Mart would surely be nice
But the local shops all demand full retail price.

When the paycheck is stretched and the kids need new shoes,
When your tires all go flat as the seat on church pews,
Just where are the sales that abounded last week?
And where are the discounts of which many speak?

There is a conspiracy spread far and wide
So your need and good prices just won’t coincide.
Yes, we all know the story—we know how it feels—
When one really needs bargains, there aren’t any deals.

Fish Fraternization Frenzy

2006-07-04T00:59:00.000-04:00

A Laughter Loaf Twisted Slice Interview

Fish Fraternization Frenzy

The environment has long been a hot spot in public opinion. Now get the inside skinny on the history making lawsuit, Iowa vs. Illinois as we interview Phineas Phelps, of the Iowa Department of Natural Resources (IDNR).

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

LL: Mr. Phelps, would you please give us some details on how the State of Iowa decided to sue the State of Illinois to keep the fish on their side of the river segregated from the ones on the Iowa side?

PHELPS: Before I get to the specifics, let me give you a little background. All of the states up stream from us have polluted our wonderful Mississippi to the point that all of us had to make laws forbidding anyone from eating the fish they caught out of it. What a dadburned shame. Not only were the fish contaminated, but swimming was forbidden too. The muck was costing us millions in tourist and recreation trade.

LL: Isn’t Iowa just as guilty as the others?

PHELPS: How can you live in this blessed country and ask a question like that. You think we’re one of those industrial states? What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of Iowa?

LL: Corn?

PHELPS: Right…corn! Now, what’s the normal adjunct for lots of huge corn raisers?

LL: Beats me.

PHELPS: Hogs, boy. Hogs. We’re farmers. We make a clean living from the clean earth that God gave us and we intend to keep it that way.

LL: But how can you make a distinction between your fish and Illinois’s fish?

PHELPS: Ours are healthy and clean because, several years back, we took and built huge ponds and went to hatching our own fish – jack salmon, rock bass, channel and bullhead cats, and lots of other native fish that were polluted and on their way to extinction by those greedy industrialists. We raised ‘em in pure water, fresh, clean, and pure.

LL: I see. But don’t clean fish in dirty water soon become dirty too?

PHELPS: Fortunately, the EPA and some other agencies have been crackin’ down on the factories and, over the last few years, the water has cleaned up really well. We fed ‘em and raised ‘em up to a size where they could make it on their own and then trucked ‘em to the Mississippi and dumped ‘em in. Still do that with several million every year.

LL: What makes you so sure they’re not all in New Orleans by now?

PHELPS: We keep feedin’ ‘em. They have home territories just like many other creatures. Once our fish got a foothold, we were able to lift our ban on eating the fish. Brought in fishermen by the thousands. Illinois couldn’t do that. The fish on their side were just as trashed and foul-tasting as ever ‘cause it was passed on to them by the older ones that spawned them. Who knows what poison lurks inside the hearts of their fish?

LL: What do you expect to gain by this suit?

PHELPS: We are seeking a court order to make Illinois build a wall down the center of the channel to keep the fish from interbreeding. We’ve got a lot of time and money tied up in this thing and we’re just starting to get a return on our investment.

LL: But wouldn’t a center wall destroy the scenic beauty of the river?

PHELPS: Not necessarily. If they put a deep trough on the top, they could fill it with topsoil and plant trees and wildflowers in it. That would disguise the wall, provide a beautiful view, and make new habitat for many of the river birds that are losing out because of lost nesting places. That’s why the Audubon Society is backing us to the hilt.

LL: But how do you know whose fish is whose?

PHELPS: First, there’s the taste. Ever try eatin’ an Illinois Mississippi catch? Putrid. Downright putrid. All of our clean fish will be tagged before we dump ‘em in. At the base of the dorsal they’ll bear a metal band which will read “Approved for human consumption. IDNR.” That’s why we are also asking that, once the wall is in place, Illinois be required to pay a fine for every one of their polluted rejects we catch on our side of the wall. Of course the banding will cost us more, so we have also petitioned the court to require Illinois to reimburse us for that extra cost.

LL: All of this would certainly have a staggering price tag. It would probably bankrupt Illinois.

PHELPS: I doubt it, but who cares? Illinois gets billions in revenue from all those factories. This thing may even expand. They still have a little bit of Lake Michigan frontage, but Michigan is getting scared about what they might do to that, especially when you consider that Gary, Indiana is right up there too. Look at Illinois history. Factories, racketeers, mobsters, crime, all rotten! Give it back to the Indians. They did a better job with it.

LL: How about cooperating and helping Illinois develop hatcheries and growing ponds like yours and then provide half of the new stock? Seems to me that everybody wins with that scenario.

PHELPS: Balderdash. That would siphon off a lot of the business and people would go to Illinois to spend their money. Our profits would suffer. Besides, who would watch them to make sure they didn’t get some modern day Capone involved and then try to run us out of the market?

A Word To The Wise, Guys!

2006-07-03T23:15:00.000-04:00

This is an extended limerick ddedicated to my dad, who always wanted a beard but who always shaved in deference to my mom.

A Word to the Wise, Guys!

How I Lost Then Regained Paradise and Learned to Love John Milton's Epics Through an Ogden Nash Perspective

I'm cursed with a life-long proclivity
(Which doesn't take much creativity)
To cover cheeks, bare
With profuse facial hair.
(An ageless distinguished activity)

One morning I made the decision
To make my appearance revision.
I pressed my face nearer
The old bathroom mirror,
My new look to better envision.

And then, as my senses were cleared
I went straight to do what I most feared.
I went to my wife,
The love of my life,
And said, "Honey, I'm growing a beard."

My dear one sat straight up in bed
Shook her head, rolled her eyes back and said,
"Do you think you can muster
A much denser cluster
Than what you have grown on your head?"

"Don't worry," I said in a flash,
"Don't get yourself all in a rash.
The decision's my own.
My beard will be grown
Complete with a well-groomed mustache."

She wanted no part of caressing—
So I turned 'round and started my dressing.
Her mocking laugh rose
As I put on my clothes.
It really was kind of depressing.

The next day, I faced without fear,
But my wife, she continued to jeer.
"If you keep that stubble
There's gonna be trouble,"
She made herself perfectly clear.

That night, when it came time for bed,
Something happened that made me see red.
"That wiry thatch
Will ne'er my face scratch.
You can sleep on the sofa instead."

Life had never been bleak and forlorn
When I'd kept my face properly shorn.
I resolved to endure.
I was perfectly sure
She would mellow some wonderful morn.

A month had elapsed in this ditty.
No more wretched man lived in the city.
My beard flowed with curls
Which I combed out in swirls.
"It's much softer, dear. Have some pity!"

"Forget it," she shot in reply.
"Just shut up and don't even try
To make me give in
To that stuff on your chin.
I'll do it when billygoats fly!"

She continued to spout off and holler
As she tossed me a brand new flea collar.
"You can't be well-groomed
With your breakfast entombed
'Neath your chin. You can bet your last dollar!"

I glazed over in one grand blue funk.
My performance at work really stunk.
"This thing's gotta cease.
I need some peace
Not to mention a change in my bunk!"

My nerves were all shattered and spent.
My life was all tattered and rent.
"I don't need the flak.
I want my wife back.
I am broken. I want to repent!"

So into the bathroom I flew
To rectify life so askew.
I drenched it with lather,
My precious wool-gather,
And scraped it off, steady and true.

My wife squealed, as I rightly assumed,
and said, "Now that you're properly groomed
I'll kiss you and hug you
And never more bug you.
You're ready to be re-bedroomed!"

Now this is the end of my story—
How I lost and regained all my glory.
Here's a word to the wise
For all of you guys:
If you love your wife but you want to exercise your right to make a decision that she won't agree with, make sure it's something that really matters and isn't trivial like growing a beard because women are stronger than men when it comes to holding their ground and things will never become hunky-dory.

Hoping for dialogue

2006-07-03T22:12:00.000-04:00

Hi Everyone,

This is my first message on my first blogspot. I hope that this will become a place where friends and foes alike can learn about the stuff I do and cuss or discuss it as they see fit. Visit often, post often, and don't be afraid to post something that may spark some different opinions.

I'll have a couple of new pieces up tomorrow.

Paul